1001 Ways to Beat the Draft
By Tuli Kupferberg and Robert Bashlow
Grove Press
1967
Now the president agrees it’s Vietnam all over again. Well it’s time to familiarize yourself with usage of phrases such as 4-F, 1-A and 1-A-O. Meanwhile here are the final 5 pages from Tuli Kupferberg’s classic 1001 Ways to Beat the Draft to bone up on.
Also included is the intriguing “simple statement on war”.
Arthur Magazine 
I remember another of the ways to beat the draft from the book: When standing naked in line waiting to have your genitals checked, have a large glob of peanut butter in your hand. Every so often, reach back to your ass and lick some of the peanut butter off your fingers.
Another one was: When the doctor sticks you in your arm for blood samples, whip out your own needle and stick the doctor back. Also offer to trade piss with him as well.
I’m not kidding, this was in the book. I seriously considered using the peanut butter trick if I got drafted. Luckily, I was able to go into the Air Force where I sat in an office and counted toilets. This job required a secret security clearance as the defence department was worried that the gooks were gonna find out how much shit we were gonna drop on them.
I recall taking the book down to the draft board in Chicago at 615 W. Van Buren many Monday mornings and using it to preach from. It was a big hit in high school. My favorite way of the 1001 was “eat ape shit with a shovel.” But then I had forgotten the one about sending mom and sisters to relieve the overworked prostitutes of Saigon.
This little book amused us so much as we sweated out our battles with Draft Board 40-A, here in Columbus Ohio. My older brother, Greg, my schoolfriend, Steve and I all were eventually Classified 1-O, thanks to John Perera, our draft councillor from The American Friends Service Committee. It was 1969-1970. Many of our friends were subsequently drafted and sent to Viet Nam. Some survived intact but some were killed and some came home damaged. I would love to have this book again.
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I read this book in 1970 and it led me to become a conscientious objector. My favorite method (I forget the number) was something like; “Bring a little container of your own shit to the physical. While you are waiting in line, every few minutes, eat a little.” Glad I didn’t have to do that, but i WOULD HAVE! Bottom line: Somewhere in there, Kupferberg said, “You do not have to take the oath of induction. You can refuse and take the consequences.” That was it for me.
I owned this book when in High School. Found it second hand somewhere. Guess I loaned it to a friend and never got it back. Always wanted to read it again. My favorite one, the one that stuck with me went something like: Before your physical, shove coins up your ass. When you are told to bend over and spread your cheeks, force out all the coins.
Back in 1970, I loaned this book to a friend and thus lost it forever. I always wanted to read it again. My favorite “way” went something like: Before your physical exam, shove lots of coins up your ass. When told to bend over and spread your cheeks, poop out all the coins.